The temperature’s rising, so here’s some utterly unhelpful advice

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The UK is sweltering in a heatwave, with temperatures reaching levels so fearsome that even Australians might consider removing that second sweater.

Accordingly, Britons are gearing themselves for the traditional challenges of a hot snap: sweaty nights, mint Cornetto shortages and, worst of all, the inevitable glut of warm weather driving tips, gravely dishing out pearls of wisdom you’d already figured out of your own accord, on account of being a human with a brain.

To save you all the pain of digesting these hot weather guides for yourself, Top Gear has diligently read the lot, and duly presents its own guide to Surviving Reasonably Warm Temperatures While Owning A Car.

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Avoid travelling at the hottest times of the day

If you don’t need to travel when the weather’s at its warmest, everyone in the car will be more comfortable. In Britain currently, Top Gear recommends avoiding long journeys between 10am and mid-October.

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Dress appropriately

Though it’s important to stay cool behind the wheel, wearing loose fitting sandals may compromise your ability to control the vehicle. Wearing loose fitting sandals with socks may compromise your ability to be taken seriously by your friends and family.

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Choose the correct eyewear

According to driving experts, wearing sunglasses with blue lenses may make it difficult to tell the difference between amber and green lights. Worse, they may also cause people to think you are Johnny Depp.

Charge your air con

The effectiveness of your car’s air conditioning system can decrease over time. To keep your cabin chilly, consider getting your AC recharged. Top Gear can attest that rigging up a chest freezer to your in-car 12-volt does not, mysteriously, achieve the same effect, and instead causes all your frozen packets of mince to take on a dreadful colour and smell.

Stay hydrated

Dehydration can lead to drowsiness and lack of concentration. To make sure you’re fully hydrated and on top of your game, Top Gear’s extreme sports correspondent Ollie Kew recommends pairing an exfoliating cleanser with a gentle facial moisturiser. #protip

Remember animals are at risk in hot cars

If you’re carrying a dog in your car, keep the windows partially ajar, and make sure it’s got plenty of water. If you’re carrying a pig in the car, make sure it’s liberally wrapped in sage and thyme for maximum flavour during roasting.*

*This is a joke, obviously. Everyone knows pork pairs far better with rosemary.

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Park in the shade

To keep your car cool, find a covered spot in which to park it, out of direct sunlight. Top Gear hears the Antarctic ice shelf is wonderfully shady at this time of year.

Top up your washer fluid

Hot weather means a barrage of bugs, which is why responsible, grown-up publications recommend you keep your washer fluid reservoir topped up at this time of year. They rarely, however, recommend exactly with what you should keep it topped up. Sure, a commercially available detergent fluid is all well and good, but for that spritzy, summery je ne sais quoi, Top Gear recommends a good artisan tonic water, ideally with a squeeze of lime. The quinine helps keep the mosquitos at bay.

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Apply common sense

Honestly, having read every warm weather driving tip out there, Top Gear can attest this is the only one you really need. It’s Britain, not the Sahara desert. Carry some water on board, don’t attempt to down a pint of scalding coffee while starting a campfire on the passenger seat, drive safe. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t venture out in a Peugeot 207CC. Not because of the weather. Just, y’know, don’t.