[Spoiler alert: This article contains spoilers for The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live episode 4.] “I think of the dead all the time. And about the living, who I lost,” Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) once wrote in a letter to his wife Michonne (Danai Gurira). But after years of trying and failing to escape the CRM— the inescapable military force that helicoptered him away from an exploding bridge back in season 9 of The Walking Dead — Rick contemplated suicide. “I couldn’t do it, but I still decided to die,” Rick wrote in another letter that he then burned along with reminders of the long-lost loved ones he let go.

“I don’t see the dead anymore, or the ones I lost, or the sun, the sky, or the water. I don’t see you anymore,” Rick’s letter read. “I just see what’s ahead. Metal rotors and gun oil and blood. What I have to do, what I can do to help save the world, even if you don’t know I ever did that. I love you so much. I love you so, so much. I tried. Please just know I tried.”

The first episode of The Ones Who Live ended with Rick dedicating himself to Okafor’s (Craig Tate) mission to change the CRM from the inside, only for those plans to go up in smoke when Michonne’s friend Nat (Matthew August Jeffers) shot down their helicopter. As fate would have it, Rick and Michonne ended up aboard another CRM chopper that crashed into the side of a high-rise building, giving the couple an opportunity to fake their deaths and go home to their children without fear of retribution from Jadis (Pollyanna McIntosh).

Except Rick, convinced that the only way to protect his family from the CRM was to stay behind to ensure their safety, tried to get Michonne to leave without him. On Sunday’s episode 4 of The Ones Who Live, titled “What We,” Michonne finally learned what the CRM really took from Rick: the memory of his dead son, Carl Grimes (Chandler Riggs).

“They took Carl. I lost him again. When I got taken, I fought and I fought, and I tried to get away,” Rick said through sobs. “I’d meet up with Carl in my dreams. And that’s how I survived in here. It kept me alive. And then one day, he was just gone. He just left. But then I started dreaming of you. And there you were. You and I fell in love in different ways, and it kept me going. And then you were gone, too. I couldn’t see your face anymore, just like I couldn’t see Carl’s. I can’t live without you. Without you, I die. And I figured out how to do that. I know how to be dead and live now. You can’t just come back here, make me come alive again if I don’t know if I won’t lose you again. What if I lose you and I can’t figure out how to die all over again? I can’t. I need to get ahead of it, Michonne. I can’t. When I saw you, I got so scared, and… I needed to get ahead of it. I had to. At least if I think you will live on longer than me without knowing if you do, I can just believe that it’s true. Knowing… Seeing that loss? I can’t. I won’t survive that, Michonne. I just won’t.”

The heart-wrenching scene, interspersed with footage from The Walking Dead‘s “Wrath” season 8 finale, showed young Carl fading from his father’s memories until he disappeared completely. The original episode flashed back to pre-apocalypse times as Rick, in his sheriff’s uniform, walked hand-in-hand with a three-year-old Carl. It was a happy memory, one that Carl recalled in a letter he wrote for his father to read after his death.

“You told me about the walks we’d take when I was three. You holding my hand around the neighborhood, all the way to Ross’ farm. I didn’t know that I remembered them, but I do. Because I see the sun, and the corn, and that cow that walked up to the fence and looked me in the eye,” Carl’s letter read in part. “And you told me about all that stuff, but it isn’t just that stuff. It’s how I felt. Holding your hand, I felt happy and special. I felt safe.”

When Rick defeated and then spared his archnemesis Negan to end the war with the Saviors — honoring Carl’s last wish — Rick narrated a letter he wrote to his son. “Dear Carl. I remember. I forgot who I was. You made me remember,” Rick wrote in his letter. “I remember that feeling, walking with you that day. Like I finally knew who I was for the first time in my life. Thing is, we were walking side-by-side, but you were bringing me somewhere. Bringing me here. Bringing all of us to the new world, Carl. You showed me the new world. You made it real. I see it. I remember. Dad.”